


Growing Pains

by tsunderei



Series: Age Gap AU [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Age Difference, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama & Romance, Established Relationship, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Pro Volleyball Player Kageyama Tobio, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-27 01:10:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13869888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsunderei/pseuds/tsunderei
Summary: A year after becoming a couple, Hinata is ready to start university while Kageyama’s volleyball career is thriving. Their relationship seems to be in a very good place, but Kageyama is now so far ahead that Hinata is really starting to feel left behind. Things are gradually changing and it’s not an easy situation to deal with, especially since they’re not even neighbors anymore...





	Growing Pains

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry this took so long! I generally spend a lot of time when I write something, but I got really invested with this one. It turned out bigger than I expected and writer’s block almost got to me. It’s always hard writing sequels (which is why I hardly ever do it), especially when the first one had such a clear plot that’s already been resolved. The sequel on the other hand spawned about a hundred different plots, but this seemed like the most natural progression of things, considering Kageyama and Hinata’s relationship and their respective careers. I’ve made a little jump forward in time because there’d be a lot of irrelevant filler stuff in this fic otherwise. So please consider it a somewhat established relationship. If you haven’t I really recommend reading “Growth Spurt” before this one to get a better sense of the whole situation. Thanks so much for your patience and I really hope you enjoy!

When he closes his eyes Hinata can still hear shoes squeaking against the floor, the roar of the spectators, and players shouting for the ball. The faint smell of menthol, rubber, and sweat hangs in the air and a warm lingering buzz of spent adrenaline has been left on the empty court. He opens his eyes and watches the last few stragglers of the crowd leaving the venue, their shouts and cheers reduced to a slowly receding murmur.

A good twenty minutes have passed since his final winning spike but even now his palm is red and burning hot. He nailed a perfect cross that the opponent’s blockers couldn’t touch and the impact of the ball reverberated up the entire length of his arm, leaving his skin stinging nicely. Hinata clenches his fist, savoring the aftermath of that beautiful moment. It feels good; it feels good to win.

“Alright, listen up!” He’s brought down from his post-victory high when the coach claps his hands, demanding the team’s attention. “We meet back at school for some reflection and strategy in about two hours. Get dressed and dry and eat something in the meantime. Well done, everyone.”

Although he’s still brimming with enough energy for another set, Hinata’s focus switches from volleyball to food in a seamless instant. He quickly pulls his sweatpants over his volleyball shorts, grabs his things, and tells his teammates he’ll see them later. Without waiting for anyone else he skips up the stairs leading to the entrance hall, covering two steps at a time. He’s got his mind set on the small take-out store he spotted across the street. The sign said they had fresh nikuman and even though he knows that’s probably not what the coach would consider a filling meal, he has some serious cravings he’s willing to give in to. What matters now is to get there before they’re out of today’s batch.

“Hinata!”

He stumbles to a halt in the middle of the stairs at the unexpected mention of his name. He looks up to see Yachi hurrying to meet him. She doesn’t stop until she’s close enough to grab him by the arm.

“Your boyfriend is here,” she mutters into his ear, quickly glancing around to make sure no one is listening. “I just saw him in the hall.”

“…huh?”

“I’m talking about Kageyama-san!” she whispers, so quietly Hinata can barely even hear her.

His brain finally connects with her words and his heart immediately tumbles clumsily through a series of surprised somersaults. He suddenly feels as hot as he did while their game was at its most intense.

“Tobio’s _here_?”

Yachi nods, looking positively anxious. “He seemed a bit, um… irritated _._ ”

This piece of information leaves Hinata a bit confused, and he isn’t quite sure what to do with it until it dawns on him what it actually means, and he can’t stop himself from laughing.

“Oh no, it’s totally fine, he’s not mad or anything! It’s just his normal expression, seriously. Kinda scary, I know.”

He tells Yachi a hasty goodbye, promising to catch up with her later at school, and sprints into the hall. He doesn’t have to do much searching before he spots him; even when surrounded by a bunch of volleyball players Kageyama is still among the tallest ones, towering almost a head above the rest. Yachi is right, though; he does look a bit annoyed as he’s scanning the crowd of noisy teenagers, undoubtedly trying to single out Hinata’s bright hair.

He jumps and waves to catch his attention. “Tobio!”

Kageyama quickly whirls around in the direction of his voice and his face lights up the moment he spots him. It’s way too adorable, and as Hinata shoulders his way through the crowd he has to dig deep for an extra piece of self-control just so he won’t break into a run and tackle-hug him right there.

“Hey! What are you doing here?”

“Practice finished early so I thought I’d head on over.”

“Don’t you have afternoon classes?”

“Well…” Kageyama glances off to the side, looking a little guilty as he scratches his temple. “I may have conveniently forgotten because I wanted to see you instead.”

For the first time since they finished playing Hinata actually feels a little weak-kneed, as if all his energy has been drained from him, except in the best way possible.

“You’re so embarrassing,” he mutters, his cheeks taking on a healthy rosy color. “But I’m happy you’re here. Did you watch the entire match?”

“I only caught your last set but I saw enough.”

“And…?” He looks expectantly up at him. “What did you think?”

Kageyama shrugs. “Not bad, I guess.”

“Not bad…?” Hinata pouts, disappointed. “We actually won our block today! You seriously don’t have any praise to spare?”

“It’s great that you won but as far as I could tell this last one wasn’t exactly by a landslide, you had to go full sets. I wouldn’t get too comfortable if I were you. Plus your serve still sucks.” He crosses his arms, briefly reminding Hinata of his coach whenever he’s not pleased, and it’s like getting a momentary glimpse of what Kageyama is going to look like fifteen years from now. “ _But_ you had really nice receives,” he continues thoughtfully. “If I hadn’t been running all those drills with you I seriously wouldn’t have believed my eyes.”

“Oi, don’t you dare take credit for my receives, you jerk!”

Kageyama blatantly ignores his protests, obviously enjoying geeking out over their playing. It’s high school volleyball and it shouldn’t really be of any interest to him anymore, but he still takes everything genuinely seriously and it’s always endearing somehow. Hinata has to admit that his heart grows three sizes whenever Kageyama takes time out of his day to practice or analyze videos with him.

“Overall, it was okay,” he concludes. “Your setter could benefit from tightening up the offense, though. His ball control is great but his game sense is lacking. Seems to me he has no idea where his hitters even are half the time. I could think of at least five additional ways to use your skills more effectively.”

“So harsh,” Hinata complains with a groan. “The guy’s just a first year and he’s doing his best. Not everyone’s a genius like you.”

“Also, your captain, the tall glasses-guy –”

“Tsukishima?”

“Right. He’s a pretty talented middle blocker. Honestly he kinda seems like a jerk but it’s not like that affects his playing.”

“Yeah, you would know all about that, wouldn’t you?”

Kageyama narrows his eyes at him and smirks briefly, reluctantly impressed at his snarky comeback. With an annoyed huff he gruffly changes the subject.

“Are you ready or what? I wanna treat you to a meal but you keep dawdling.”

“I’m totally ready!” Hinata perks up at the mention of food and his craving for nikuman comes rushing back tenfold stronger. “Just let me change my shoes and I’m good to go!”

He starts digging through his bag, borderline giddy. Maybe it’s because they haven’t seen each other that often lately, or maybe his perception is simply clouded because Kageyama is his boyfriend, but Hinata can’t help but find him a tiny bit handsomer every time he sees him. It’s equal parts impressive and frustrating; impressive because it shouldn’t be possible and frustrating because he isn’t even making an effort. Sometimes Hinata kind of wishes Kageyama was of the conceited type, someone who loves his reflection and insists on following a rigorous 10-step skin care routine. That would certainly be something he could tease him for, but all that’s in Kageyama’s bathroom cupboard is shaving cream, deodorant, and a bottle of 2-in-1 shampoo and shower gel. He clearly ended up with lots of natural benefits from a very strong (and unfair) gene pool but he doesn’t even seem to be aware of it – and if he is he doesn’t care much. Maybe that’s what’s makes him so attractive in the first place, although Hinata silently hopes he has peaked by now. After all, he once told him his classmates always gave him presents for Valentine’s Day, despite the fact that he went to an all-boys high school, so he’s obviously been like this since at least his teens. Hinata doubts he’ll be able to handle a Kageyama that just keeps getting _hotter._

As if proving his point a group of cheerleaders chooses that moment to trot by and literally all of them are throwing lingering glances in Kageyama’s direction. They disappear down the hall, whispering and giggling while looking back over their shoulders. Hinata glares pointedly after them until they’re out of sight. Kageyama on the other hand is none the wiser; he’s busy checking his phone and doesn’t even notice.

Hinata sighs, exasperated. “Seriously?”

“Huh?” Kageyama looks up, confused.

“You were oblivious to all _that_?”

“All _what_?”

“Kousen High’s entire cheerleading squad walked past looking just about ready to propose to you!”

Kageyama doesn’t bother to look around and check if the cheerleaders are still there, as if that’s not even an option for him. Instead he stares back at Hinata as though he’s lost his mind.

“And? What’s the big deal? I’m into _you_ , aren’t I?”

He sounds so sincere that Hinata almost wants to crawl into his bag to hide how hard he’s blushing. The statement warms his heart in that slightly possessive way only caused by jealousy. He’s not exactly proud of it but at the same time he sees it as kind of his right to feel that way. They’re in a romantic relationship after all. Maybe he’s simply not _in_ love with Kageyama anymore; maybe everything has evolved and now he just loves him. The possibility presents itself as perfectly real and overwhelming and Hinata suddenly feels _way_ too young and inexperienced. He quickly ducks his head again, busying himself with his shoelaces.

“Come on, slowpoke, I’m starving.”

“ _You’re_ starving?” He straightens up and determinately shoves his enormous feelings to the very back of his mind, where they remain looking out of place. He’ll just have to deal with them later. “ _I’m_ the one who’s been playing four matches today.”

“Only four?” Kageyama snorts. “That’s child’s play.”

 

**

 

Now that they’ve been together for a while, Hinata has learned a lot about Kageyama. He’s an only child, he sometimes squeaks when he laughs, he’s able to powernap absolutely anywhere at any time, he’s not a particularly great cook, and he _still_ gets nervous whenever Hinata’s family invites him over for dinner (even though they all adore him) – these are just a few of the many small things that have made Hinata fall in love with him even more. Sometimes he feels so lucky he has to pinch himself in the arm.

He’s also discovered that their appetite and general taste in food are pretty much of the same huge, healthy, all-devouring kind. In other words it’s not hard to nag Kageyama into buying a bag of steaming nikuman to follow their hasty udon meal. They share the meat buns between them at the station while waiting for Hinata’s train back to school.

“I really hope we’ll win this,” Hinata says, kicking dully at his bag with the tip of his shoe. “We failed the Interhigh and the second years will be taking over by the time Harukou starts, so this tournament is my very last shot! I want at least one regional victory before I graduate high school, you know, get me some volleyball credentials.” He turns to Kageyama, who is digging into his last nikuman. “Do you think we’ll win?”

“Nah,” he immediately deadpans without even giving it a second thought.

“Wow, could you possibly be more blunt?” Hinata replies flatly. “I know we’re in the bottom compared to other Tokyo teams but come on, everything’s possible.”

“I’m just being realistic.” Kageyama shrugs and brushes crumbs off his jacket. “Maybe you’ll reach semifinals. That’s pretty good, considering where your team’s at right now.”

Hinata crosses his arms, sulking. “We all know that ‘pretty good’ isn’t good enough for Kageyama Tobio.”

“Where the hell did you get that idea from?” Kageyama frowns, looking a little offended. “As long as you do your best it should be good enough for me and for everyone else. You could place last out of a hundred teams and I’d still be proud of you.”

To keep himself from grinning like a fool Hinata has to bite down hard on his bottom lip. Every time he thinks he’s finally gotten used to Kageyama’s honest and sometimes embarrassingly straightforward way of showing that he cares, he blurts out with something that deeply gets to him. It’s nice and unfair at the same time, and he feels almost as silly as he did when he first fell head over heels in love with him. He glances up at the large digital clock on the wall, hoping his train will arrive before he spontaneously combusts or something.

“Oh yeah, by the way…” Kageyama reaches into his bag, pulls out a medium large box wrapped in colorful paper, and hands it to him. “Here.”

“For me…?” Hinata carefully accepts the present, staring at it in blank surprise. “What is it?”

“Open it if you wanna know, dumbass.”

He doesn’t need to be told twice. He excitedly rips into the wrapping, his eyes widening when he realizes what it is. “Wait… You got me new volleyball shoes…?” He clumsily pries the lid off and peers into the box, where a streamlined surface of black and orange meets his gaze. “You _totally_ got me new volleyball shoes! These are super cool, oh my god! And – oh, wow, this is such a pricey brand, too –”

“But it’s a great brand,” Kageyama quickly cuts in. “You jump around a lot so I figured you might need a lighter and more stable type of shoe than your old ones. I wanted to wait until the tournament was over but there’s no point in that, so you might as well have them now. And I know you like those colors, too, so…”

“I love _everything_ about them!” Hinata holds up one of the shoes, admiringly turning it this way and that. It definitely feels light in his hand. “Are you kidding me, this is the most amazing present ever! Thank you so much! Seriously, bring on the next opponent because I can’t wait to try these.”

“Okay, great. I’m glad, then.” Kageyama exhales, genuinely looking both pleased and relieved. “You know, I meant it when I said I’m proud of you,” he adds after a second. “I understand that my feedback seems harsh sometimes but I’m really impressed. You’ve worked hard and it shows, you’ve come very far.” He smiles and reaches out, briefly resting his hand on the nape of Hinata’s neck and giving it a gentle squeeze. “Good job.”

He then stops, drawing a short breath as though there’s something else he wants to talk about. The pause creates an open space that lasts long enough for Hinata to notice. He looks questioningly up at him but in the end Kageyama just subtly shakes his head and doesn’t follow through to fill in the blanks. When he finally speaks again it’s obviously something other than what he had planned to say.

“Anyway, you should probably catch your train now.” He takes half a step back, turning to leave. “Good luck tomorrow, okay? I can’t make it so let me know how it goes.”

“Tobio, wait.” Hinata grabs his sleeve, holding him back. After a moment’s hesitation he reaches up on his tiptoes and bravely plants a quick kiss on Kageyama’s cheek, even with all the people hurriedly passing them by. “Thank you so much. You really are the best.”

Unexpectedly, Kageyama reacts with an expression that comes off as oddly guilty. Once again he opens his mouth to speak but stops himself in the last minute. He then smiles a smile that’s wide enough for his left-cheek dimple to appear, and it’s the realest smile Hinata knows, so he decides not to give his sudden offbeat behavior any further thought.

“Of course I am,” he replies in mock indifference, although the red tint on his ears clearly says he’s happy.

 

**

 

The following evening Hinata excitedly shows up on Kageyama’s doorstep with a wide grin on his face and a bronze medal around his neck. He’s been running a flat dash all the way from the train station, probably setting a new personal record on the distance, and it’s not until he hammers enthusiastically on his door that he realizes how breathless he is. His bag is also digging heavily into his shoulder but he couldn’t care less. His school’s team managed its best placement in years, it’s almost as good as gold, and he’s so happy he’s going to explode soon.

Kageyama opens the door with a confused frown and hardly even registers who it is before Hinata jumps at him in a blurry whirlwind. He splutters, staggering backwards from the sudden impact of Hinata’s hug, which is all flailing limbs and weight in motion. He has no choice but to catch him, barely regaining his balance before they both crash to the floor.

“What the hell, dumbass –”

Laughing, Hinata wraps his legs around him and leans back in Kageyama’s arms so he can see him better.

“Praise me!” he demands, beaming gleefully.

Kageyama frowns, for a moment completely lost. Then his gaze drops and he does a double take, his eyes slowly growing wider when he notices the medal around his neck. He stares at him, gaping, speechless for once.

“Seriously…?”

“What, you didn’t have faith in me?”

In slight disbelief, Kageyama looks from Hinata to his medal and back again, and his face breaks into a grin. “Well, damn. Good to know I didn’t waste my money on those shoes, then.” He tilts his head up to kiss him, his breath warm against Hinata’s lips. “Congratulations, Shouyou. You already know I’m proud of you.”

Hinata chuckles and continues to kiss Kageyama as he’s being carried further into the apartment. Kageyama hugs him tightly once more and lets go of him so he can take a closer look at Hinata’s bronze haul.

“So, top three in the Newcomers’ Tournament, huh? Not bad at all. It feels better winning the bronze than losing the gold, doesn’t it?” He reaches out and ruffles his hair with both hands. “Now tell me all about it, I know you’re dying to. I’ll fix us something to drink.”

With a soon forgotten cup of tea in front of him Hinata sits cross-legged on the floor and animatedly talks about all the stupid mistakes he made, all the points he racked up, and all the tall and scary players he had to face. While he’s talking Kageyama sits with his chin in his hand and hangs on to every word he says, and Hinata is almost prouder of that than his medal. It’s not just the fact that they’re nerding out about volleyball together or that a professional athlete of Kageyama’s caliber finds him so important, but the soft look in his eyes and his complete attention means so much to Hinata. He used to think that he was the only one in the relationship that truly looked up to the other, but he has later realized that the admiration is in fact mutual. He may have placed third today but right here he’ll always be number one. He smiles and flops down on the floor, sighing contently.

“Today was great. I’m happy.”

He shuts his eyes, feeling comfortably warm and exhausted, and he almost drifts off to sleep right there on the floor when Kageyama clears his throat, startling him awake.

“I’ve got some news of my own, by the way.”

The uncertain tone in his voice makes Hinata open his eyes again. Kageyama sounds hesitant and doubtful and it’s perfectly mirrored in his contracted brows and the stern line of his mouth. It’s almost as if he’s dreading whatever comes next and Hinata frowns, tiny fragments of worry slowly piecing together in his chest.

“What is it?”

“I’ve… signed with a premier league club.”

Hinata stares up at him, needing a moment to process. “Seriously??” he finally exclaims, scrambling into an upright position. “You signed with them today? Tobio, that’s amazing! Congratulations!”

“Yeah…” To his great surprise, Kageyama just looks pained. “It wasn’t today, though,” he admits and shifts uncomfortably. “It happened a couple of weeks ago.”

“Okay…?” A shade of confusion taints Hinata’s smile and he tilts his head, perplexed. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“Um, well… I honestly didn’t know how to break it to you and so I kept putting it off.” A brief pang of unease shoots down his spine when Kageyama sighs heavily and squeezes his eyes shut before continuing. “It’s not a Tokyo-based club. It’s in Osaka.”

“Oh.” Hinata stares at him, his smile faltering and then fading altogether. “So… what – what does that mean?”

“It means… that I’ll be moving to Osaka.”

The room falls completely quiet, as if someone abruptly flicked a switch and turned everything off, including the world outside. All sound is submerged, caught in glue, wrapped in cotton, and for a moment Hinata wonders if he’s simply gone deaf.

He has no idea what to say. He isn’t even sure he fully understands what he’s being told, despite how clear and straightforward the words are. All he can really think of is the fact that Kageyama is originally from Osaka prefecture and that he’ll kind of be moving back home, but that seems like the only relevant thing he can conjure up from the muddy confusion his brain is currently stuck in.

“Uh…when?” he asks, his mouth dry.

Kageyama looks down at his hands, which are resting on top of the table, loosely folded. There’s something very sad about it, like a mute apology waiting to be said.

“In April, after graduation.”

That’s barely two months away. It’s so soon. That brutally puts things into perspective and Hinata’s heart cracks and sinks. He isn’t sure how he’s supposed to react; he’s never found himself in a situation like this before. The sudden news left him a little numb, like they haven’t quite sunk in yet. He doesn’t _want_ to let them sink in, but there’s definitely something ugly taking shape within him, something that’s firmly lodging itself between his ribs, and it already hurts. It feels a lot like anxiety and fear, mixed with a threatening sense of things coming to an end. Right now Kageyama is literally in the process of leaving him, he has been for weeks already, and Hinata didn’t even realize. Those big feelings he stored away in his mind for later start yelling at him. This day sure took a nosedive from the greatest heights and the worst part is he doesn’t know if he’s hit the ground yet.

“I’m really sorry about this, Shouyou,” Kageyama continues, visibly distraught. “I shouldn’t have put it off like that in the first place, I’ve obviously made a mess of things, but… the timing never seemed to work out. It took me ages to decide what club to go for, too, and in the end this was the best offer. The contract is great, really, and I just… I couldn’t turn it down. It might take a while before I get another chance like this, if ever.”

 _The best offer._ Not one ‘good’ offer but the ‘best’ one; the best offer presented to him out of many. He must seriously have proved himself worthy of his spot on the national team for multiple clubs to want him, and he’s not even part of the starting line-up yet. That’s not a problem; that’s a luxury. Above all, Hinata should be proud on his behalf. To react with sadness or anger is unfair to Kageyama and will only make him feel worse than he already does. Hinata should be mature and selfless enough to handle this.

“Don’t be sorry, okay?” he says quietly. He tries to smile but he can tell it turns out a little weak. “This is what you’ve worked for almost your entire life, isn’t it? Goes without saying you’d be an idiot for turning them down. I’m happy for you, Tobio – I genuinely am. It’s a fantastic opportunity.” He hesitates, biting his lip. “You… we’ll stay in touch, right?”

“Of course we will, don’t be stupid. You think I don’t want to?” Kageyama looks at him, a hint of panic in his eyes. “I may be moving but I’m not saying this is over. I mean, we can call and we’ve got Line and there’s always the Shinkansen. And in four more years you’ll be graduating from university; there’s no doubt you’ll have lots of things going for you. But I’m definitely willing to make this work… if you are.”

Hinata can only think of one way to respond to that, which is to crawl closer and wordlessly wrap his arms around his neck. Kageyama always gives great hugs but there’s something about this embrace in particular that makes Hinata feel like a child. It’s not a feeling he enjoys but he still clings to him. All he wants right now is reassurance and comfort and this is the only place he can find it. He can’t believe all of this is about to leave him. Maybe he placed last after all.

“I really _am_ happy for you.” Hinata swallows against the lump in his throat and forces a smile, one that Kageyama can’t see, and he’s glad because the attempt is only making his eyes water. “I would’ve done the same thing,” he adds, but he’s not so sure he’s actually telling the truth.

 

**

 

Cherry blossom season brings with it a fresh sense of goals and expectations, and just like there’s a change in the weather there’s also a change in everyone’s hearts and minds. Graduation is upon them in the blink of an eye and it’s something that everyone’s excited about, but Hinata is struggling with severely mixed feelings. On one hand he’s looking forward to ending three years of high school and starting a completely new chapter in his life, but on the other hand he’s going to have to do it without his boyfriend.

Kageyama graduated a couple of weeks earlier and has already left for Osaka city, more than 300 miles away. That’s where he’s going to stay, indefinitely. They’ve gone from being next door neighbors, literally the closest you can be without living together, to suddenly dating long distance. Things have suddenly changed and Hinata, who is usually capable of taking all kinds of changes in stride, absolutely hates it this time. He never realized how much he’d gotten used to having Kageyama around and so many routines are abruptly cut off now that he’s gone. Even something as simple as the reassuring thought of proximity is also gone. Kageyama used to be only a few paces away; a warm, breathing human being Hinata could touch and hold and kiss. The fact that he isn’t anymore has busted open a large and empty cavity in his chest. It’s not like their relationship is over but it sure feels that way sometimes. Hinata is terrified it will eventually happen one day; that physical distance somehow translates into emotional removal and that breaking up is just the next step in a natural progression of things.

The two of them don’t get to talk much for the next couple of months. When they do it’s usually only for updates, status checks, and quick ‘I miss you’s. Kageyama is in the process of adapting to his new pro athlete life and is understandably very busy. He quickly became the starting setter for his new club and this new responsibility claims most of his time and attention. Kageyama isn’t the type who does anything volleyball related by halves.

Meanwhile, Hinata has moved into a tiny apartment closer to university. Mostly it’s because he’s always been looking forward to moving out but, in light of recent developments, it’s also because his family is suffocating him with their sympathy. They only mean well and he loves them very much for being accepting and understanding, but it’s troublesome and a bit painful having to deal with all this extra care.

So once he’s on his own, Hinata tries to get into the free and improvised rhythm of higher education. It’s not very hard; he’s friendly and outgoing, he loves socializing, he has a knack for gravitating towards likeminded people, and he’s blessed with a mildly manipulative streak that makes it easier to befriend even his exact opposites. He’s also mastered the art of keeping in touch with old high school friends, such as Yachi, who is now studying in Kyoto. Hinata is a people person by nature; he doesn’t mind filling his life with them. Still, it doesn’t fill the physical and emotional void left by Kageyama. Oversleeping, useless lecture notes, mistakes at volleyball practice, and always preparing egg over rice, his ultimate comfort food, are just real life manifestations of the fact that he’s missing something vital.

Long distance relationships are hard, especially when you truly love the person on the other end with all your heart, and not a day goes by without Hinata worrying about it. He’s turning nineteen very soon, finding himself on the brink of young adulthood. His growth spurts have stopped but it seems he still suffers from growing pains.

 

**

 

“Why don’t you come visit me this summer, Shouyou?”

Apart from sporadic messaging and the occasional phone call, video chats on Line late in the evening are usually all they can find time for. Sometimes they sit up until one of them falls asleep, which is usually Kageyama, and Hinata always watches him for a while before ending the call. However, they promised each other to always set aside time to talk for special occasions, such as tonight, which is Hinata’s birthday.

Only being able to see Kageyama through a computer screen is more excruciating and frustrating than Hinata imagined. There’s something unreal and restricted about communicating this way. He looks so faded, like he’s barely shining through a filter that’s been superimposed on his features. He might as well not even exist but his suggestion on the other hand is extremely real.

Hinata abruptly stops stuffing his face with egg and rice, and the piece he was aiming to eat comes to a hovering rest right in front of his open mouth. The food then tumbles from his chopsticks and falls on his keyboard with a soft thud. He stares at his computer screen, where Kageyama’s illuminated face is looking expectantly back at him.

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. Most of my free time is scattered all over the place but there’s a long weekend in August, Thursday through Sunday, where my schedule’s wide open, so if you’re interested –”

“I’m interested!” Hinata exclaims before Kageyama can even finish. “I’ll be there for sure!”

“So you’re not busy?”

Hinata waves the question away with his chopsticks. “Even if I was I’d cancel it. I totally want to visit you!”

“Alright, cool. That’s settled, then.” Kageyama smiles brightly at him, all teeth _and_ dimple this time, and Hinata is seriously a split-second away from actually kissing the screen like a fool. “So what do you think of Nittaidai so far?”

“It’s fine, I guess, I’ve made some new friends.” Hinata pulls his knees up and wraps his arms around his legs. “My classes are kinda boring so I tend to doze off, but I don’t worry about it that much. I skip a lot. Their volleyball club is pretty good, though, I never miss practice. They’re all super serious but I’m having fun, really.”

Kageyama nods in recognition. “It’s pretty different from high school volleyball, isn’t it?”

“ _Way_ different. But good different! Besides, it’s a necessary step forward and I like the challenge.” Hinata hesitates. He doesn’t want to sound like too much of a whiny child but it’s hard when the one you love is nothing but pixels on a screen or a tinny voice over the phone. “To be honest, I wish I could skip the next four years so I could be with you instead.”

“Yeah…” Kageyama is quiet for a little while, frowning thoughtfully. “Maybe you dating someone five years your senior was a bad idea.”

“No, putting this distance between us was a bad idea,” Hinata counters irritably before he can stop himself, and he completely fails at masking the bitterness in his voice. “I seriously could do without this whole situation.”

Once the words are out there he immediately regrets them. For a fleeting moment Kageyama looks both angry and hurt, and a long stretch of silence follows where they both avoid eye contact. In the end Kageyama sighs heavily, obviously unwilling to fight with him via video chat, and Hinata is relieved. The last thing he wants is an argument, especially when they haven’t really had a serious row yet. He knows it’s something they’ll have to go through at one point but he doesn’t want it to happen like this.

“I never meant to leave, you know,” Kageyama says, his voice so soft his microphone just barely picks it up. “I’m sorry I ended up doing it.”

Hinata shakes his head. “No, I’m the one who should be sorry. It is what it is and I’m not trying to be difficult or anything, but missing you is hard. I really can’t wait to see you.”

Kageyama smiles a tiny smile that’s mostly erased by the bright computer screen. It leaves only his eyes visible, which have turned a brief but unflattering pale blue.

“Just a couple more months, okay?”

Hinata nods and feels a rush of excitement, something he hasn’t properly felt since they were separated, but it’s quickly subdued. The downside to seeing Kageyama again is that he’ll have to eventually leave and most likely he’ll end up missing him even more. A few days together compared to an unknown number of lonely months might make things worse. Hinata realizes that he actually envies Kageyama the pro athlete life. He wishes he could be just as constantly busy and engrossed in something he enjoys, too. Maybe the situation would be easier to deal with if he was.

 

**

 

The second week in August, Hinata hops aboard the Shinkansen to Osaka bearing gifts in the shape of Kageyama’s favorite Tokyo souvenirs: instant curry packs, green tea KitKat bars, and strawberry daifuku. He also brought a plastic container with his mother’s homemade curry, which Kageyama loves, and a copy of “How to Become a Champion”, a book his father insisted would be useful. To top it all off, Natsu gave him a long shopping list of specialties to bring back from Osaka, pretty much all of them food-related. To his great pleasure he finds that Kageyama has bought a bunch of those treats already as a belated birthday gift.

Hinata has only been to this part of the country once, when he was around four or five, so he doesn’t really remember anything beyond the photos in the family album. Kageyama on the other hand is from Osaka prefecture; his parents still live in Hirakata where he grew up and he already knows the capital better than his own back pocket. There are plenty of fun things to do and it’s nice to have him as both his boyfriend and personal guide. Still, Hinata swears there’s not a single sight in Osaka or Japan or the entire world that’s more breathtaking than Kageyama. Maybe absence does make the heart grow fonder, but his heart has been extremely fond of Kageyama ever since the moment they met.

 

**

 

They make sure to check out the aquarium during Hinata’s stay, which is probably the ultimate place to go to for a date. They arrive hand in hand like a proper couple, drifting fascinated from one display to the next while taking pictures, but they soon end up competing to see who can count as many different species as possible. By the time they lose count Hinata has won by roughly twenty more – in his opinion a complete wipeout – and Kageyama reluctantly has to accept defeat when he realizes a rematch will literally take hours.

“I’m younger so I guess it can’t be helped,” Hinata brags. “My senses are just sharper than yours.”

“Yeah, well, you’re still short,” Kageyama replies sourly and skulks off to buy food, as is the loser’s duty.

They head out for a run when they get back to the apartment, circling the nearest park before they wind down watching the sunset. After a quick shower, Hinata sprawls across the bed to get some studying done in an attempt to soothe his bad conscience about school. Kageyama grabs his laptop and settles next to him to watch a video of his latest match. It’s not much different from what they used to do when they were still neighbors, and there’s something nice and comforting about getting into a familiar routine like this again.

“Man, I kinda regret I signed up for this class,” Hinata groans after a quiet half hour has passed.

“Which one?”

“Human biology.”

“Oh. Yeah, that one’s a pain,” Kageyama agrees, wrinkling his nose in disapproval.

“But my other option was biochemistry and I have a feeling I’d be even more lost with that one.”

“If I remember correctly human biology is Suzuki-sensei’s class, so you hardly have to show up. Just turn in a report at the end of each semester so he knows you exist and he’ll most likely pass you. That’s what I did. He’s pretty chill like that.”

Hinata cracks a wide yawn and sits up, giving his sore arms and stiff back a good stretch. He scoots closer to Kageyama and leans against him just as the tiny Kageyama on the screen fails to block a spike from the opposing team.

“You had most of my classes, didn’t you? Why can’t you just tutor me?”

“ _Me_? Tutor you? Are you serious?” Kageyama snorts a laugh. “I had to re-sit lots of exams in high school and passed most of my university ones by the skin of my teeth. Academics aren’t my thing.”

“You’re just good at volleyball, huh?”

“Pretty much.”

“Hmmm…” Hinata watches the video absently. “But I think you’re also very good with me…”

The atmosphere in the room seems to have changed, so subtly neither of them really noticed. Hinata is the one who picks up on it first but Kageyama isn’t lagging that far behind. His cheeks have gone rosy and he isn’t actually watching the match in front of him anymore, even though his eyes are glued to the screen.

“Good, how?” he then asks, his voice slightly hoarse. He glances at him, hesitant, and another beat passes before he tilts his head down and kisses him. “You mean good like that?”

“Yeah, like that,” Hinata mutters against his lips.

He moves in for a deeper kiss while insistently urging Kageyama back against the headboard, and he follows clumsily until he’s straddling his lap. When they break apart they’re already a little breathless. Kageyama looks up at him with a tiny frown and a searching blue gaze that strikes Hinata as very familiar. He hasn’t seen this expression in a while but he realizes he’s missed it, despite how self-conscious it makes him feel.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Kageyama slowly shakes his head, his eyes narrowing. “You’ve just… grown up.”

The reply is sincere and so unexpected it briefly leaves Hinata speechless, but the moment quickly turns comical and he can’t stop himself from laughing. Highly amused, he flicks Kageyama lightly on the forehead, a move that earns him a sharp glare in return.

“Of course I have, stupid, I’m nineteen! Besides, everyone grows up. What’s so weird about that?”

Kageyama shrugs. “It’s not exactly weird, but… after being away from you for a while I can really see a difference. When we met you were like – what? – barely sixteen? People go through a lot of changes in their teens and it kinda struck me just now, how much you’ve matured and stuff.”

“Would you rather I stayed the same?”

He shakes his head again and reaches up to trace a finger along his jawline and up to his temple, tucking a wayward lock of red hair behind his ear. “No, growing up suits you. You’re… I don’t know, more solid in a way, I guess? And definitely _heavier_ ,” he adds teasingly.

“Hey! I’ll have you know it’s all muscle.”

“Sure it is.”

“So…” Hinata feels shy all of a sudden. He knows that meeting Kageyama’s eyes is going to make him blush furiously so he focuses on the drawstrings of his hoodie instead, tugging lightly on them. “What do you think? About me being heavier and more solid?”

“I like it.” Kageyama’s hands wander lightly, coming to a brief rest at Hinata’s sides before they slip slowly underneath his shirt. “More of you to hold.”

Hinata shivers despite the heat radiating from Kageyama’s palms, and it actually tickles a lot but somehow he can’t properly sense it. He feels really hot and bothered in this moment, almost uncomfortably so. Kageyama squirms slightly underneath him as Hinata repositions himself in his lap, and he realizes he’s not alone in feeling this way. He gathers the rest of his courage and leans forward.

“I wanna do it,” he whispers in his ear, as though it’s a well-kept secret that must remain that way.

Kageyama is quiet for a second but he doesn’t seem taken aback by Hinata’s words at all. “Yeah? You sure?”

Hinata only responds with a kiss and proceeds to pull insistently at Kageyama’s hoodie. The following seconds are a bit frantic, with impatient kisses and fumbling hands clumsily turning various pieces of clothing inside out. Soon their clothes are scattered all over the bed and even though the room is thick with late evening summer heat, the air still brings out goose bumps on Hinata’s naked skin.

“Look in the top drawer of the nightstand,” Kageyama mutters, lightly patting Hinata’s thigh. “I got some… stuff.”

Shrugging, Hinata leans over from Kageyama’s lap and rummages around in said drawer, eventually locating a strip of condoms and a bottle of lube among all the used batteries and empty pens.

“You’re prepared?” he asks, a little surprised.

“Well… yeah.” Kageyama deliberately breaks eye contact with him. “I thought it would be best, you know, in case you wanted…” He trails off and gestures vaguely into the air, blushing.

Hinata grins, amused in a way he can’t quite explain. “So Tobio-kun actually had to go out and buy these?”

“I couldn’t exactly go shoplifting, now could I?” Kageyama snaps. “It’s no big deal,” he adds, as his face turns an even deeper shade of mortified red.

“So… you’ve also wanted to do it, then?”

“Of course. You’re my boyfriend.”

“You’ve never mentioned it.”

“Why would I?” Kageyama frowns. “I didn’t want to seem like I was pressuring you and I already told you to wait. It’s not like it’s a have-to thing in a relationship anyway. I’d probably be just fine without it.” He looks up at him, his warm hands pressed gently against Hinata’s waist. “You can still change your mind here.”

It so considerate and sweet that Hinata actually gets a little misty-eyed. He’s been so extremely fortunate to end up with this guy it’s almost unbelievable. He must have done a magnificent deed in his former life to deserve this, like saved an entire village or something. They’ve come this far, though. No way he’s backing out now. He shakes his head in response to Kageyama’s suggestion and wordlessly nudges the bottle of lube into his hands, urging him to carry on.

“Okay… Great! Um.” Kageyama looks slightly at a loss of what do to. “I’ll – I’ll use my fingers first,” he says, so straightforward he could just as well have been explaining how to do a serve. “And then we’ll… I don’t know, we’ll go from there, I guess.”

“Tobio?” Hinata asks casually, tilting his head. “Have you actually done this before?”

The tips of Kageyama’s ears light up bright red again. “Not… really, no.”

“Seriously? You look like _that_ and you haven’t done it?”

“What’s that got to do with everything?” He scowls, somewhat annoyed. “It’s not like I’ve had any time to waste on it anyway, with practice and all. To be honest I was never very interested until I got together with you. That’s why I said I’d probably be fine without it.”

“Spoken like a true volleyball idiot,” Hinata deadpans.

“Shut up.”

A different atmosphere fills the air now, one that’s more lighthearted and relaxed. Hinata prefers this one. It’s not as intense and serious as earlier, and even though he’s nervous he feels safe and comfortable with Kageyama. It’s easy to laugh and joke and he knows Kageyama is nervous, too. There’s always a comfort in knowing he’s not alone.

“It doesn’t matter,” he says, smiling fondly. “I trust you 100% anyway.”

He makes a move to get off Kageyama’s lap so he can lie down next to him, but Kageyama holds him back.

“Stay like that,” he insists. “I mean, that way you can decide how much you wanna move and it’ll be easier for you to stop. And I don’t know, it might not hurt as much either.”

There he goes again being considerate and Hinata is pretty sure his heart literally expanded within his chest. Kageyama is so attentive and careful that he kind of just wants to flick him on the head again for being too adorable.

“Okay,” he agrees, his pulse picking up the pace. “Good idea. Thanks.”

He watches as Kageyama squeezes a generous amount of lube into his hand. He reaches around him, his hand resting hesitantly against the small of his back for a moment, his palm leaving a glistening imprint on his skin. Then he tilts his chin up slightly, urging Hinata to kiss him, and their lips meet just as Kageyama carefully slips a finger inside him. It’s an unfamiliar and slightly startling intrusion, and Hinata has to force himself not to instinctively pull away. It doesn’t hurt but it’s not exactly nice either; it just feels weird. They break apart and Kageyama locks his eyes firmly on Hinata’s face.

“Um… Could you relax a little more?” he eventually asks, searching his expression for any sign of pain.

Hinata realizes he must have tensed up a lot more than he was aware of. He takes a deep steadying breath and nods, his heart thumping loudly against his eardrums.

“We can stop if you want to?”

The last thing Hinata wants Kageyama to do is worry. He manages a bright smile he hopes comes across as both believable and reassuring, even though his hands are obviously shaking. “No, keep going,” he says encouragingly. “Come on.”

Kageyama pulls out briefly and when he pushes back in he’s added another finger, which definitely creates more of a stretch. Hinata bites his lip and wills both his body and spirit to stay still. It’s much more of an intrusion this time, and even though it still doesn’t really hurt he’s conflicted on whether or not it actually feels good. He’s about to say something when Kageyama suddenly does something with his fingers and draws a sharp gasp out of him instead. His heart leaps, his mind goes entirely blank for a moment, and whatever it was he wanted to say is wiped into nothingness.

“Shouyou –?” Kageyama freezes up at his response and stares at him, panicked. He starts to pull out but Hinata forcefully shakes his head.

“Whatever you did just now – do it again.”

“Whatever I did…?” Kageyama repeats, confused. “Uh… You mean this –?”

He crooks his fingers slightly and another fleeting whiteout clouds Hinata’s vision. He isn’t sure what Kageyama is doing, or if he even knows it himself, but he keeps hitting a spot that has his body twitching involuntarily. It’s so intense he’s able to ignore the awkward discomfort, and only then does he comprehend that it’s intense because it feels _good_. Kageyama really makes him feel good on so many more levels than just one.

Transfixed by Hinata’s overwhelmed expression, Kageyama repeats the motion, growing more and more confident every time he manages to draw a loud moan out of him. In the end Hinata finds himself rocking back against his hand just to chase those strong sensations ripping through him. He’s almost reached his limit already, which seems too soon and too fast, and he realizes his body will be getting the better of him if this continues.

“Wait –” he breathes. “Tobio, wait, _stop_ –”

Kageyama abruptly stills. “I’m sorry –”

“No, no, just… If you keep this up I’m gonna finish way too soon and I don’t want your _hand_ , get it?”

Hinata doesn’t bother waiting for a response. He just kisses him fiercely, encouraging him to move on, forcing Kageyama to blindly pat the mattress looking for the condom. Once he’s located it he fumbles clumsily with the wrapper and then fumbles some more when he puts it on. He knits his eyebrows, his lips forming into an impatient pout, and it’s both adorable and funny. A giggle escapes Hinata before he can even think of stopping it and Kageyama glares up at him, offended and embarrassed.

“Don’t laugh, dumbass.”

“I’m sorry but you’re so cute, I can’t help it!” Hinata brushes Kageyama’s damp bangs out of his eyes, running his fingers through his hair and enjoying how he automatically leans into his touch. “I’m glad I’m doing this with Tobio,” he continues sincerely. “As long as it’s with you I know it’ll be fine.”

Kageyama swallows hard and nods slowly as he looks into Hinata’s flushed but serious face. He nods again, as if to himself, and pours more lube into his palm. He slicks himself up, barely chocking back a groan as he does so, and it becomes evident to Hinata that Kageyama has only been focusing on making him feel good and completely ignoring his own needs. The effort he’s putting into all this self-control and care, just for him, makes Hinata feel all warm and tingly and loved.

The position is pretty awkward at first and Hinata grabs onto Kageyama’s shoulders, steadying himself. Kageyama reaches behind him, carefully lining himself up, and the first push, although careful, is definitely more forceful than he expected. It takes some willpower not to opt out and simply pull away. Hinata catches his breath, his jaw tightening against the uncomfortable burn, and tries focusing on relaxing his body as much as possible. He endures the best he can as Kageyama slowly inches deeper, not stopping until Hinata is flush against his crotch.

There’s a slight pause in which neither of them moves. Hinata looks at Kageyama, whose cheeks have taken on a healthy glow. His hair is stuck to his temples and he’s already short of breath.

“So – so I guess I’ll move, then?” Hinata finally says, unsure. “I can’t just sit here.”

“I’m not hurting you?”

“No… It’s just weird.”

“You feel really good, though… Just so you know.”

“Stop, that’s so embarrassing.”

Hinata moves gently, lifting his hips, and the weird discomfort outweighs the burning pain. Maybe all the tension has finally left his body. He assumes this is just a matter of adjusting, like so many other things in life, and they’re most likely not going to get anywhere without trying. Hinata experimentally rolls his hips, something that Kageyama immediately responds to. He throws his head back and sighs loudly, swearing under his breath, and Hinata really enjoys that reaction. Eager to please he repeats his movements, falling into a rhythm until Kageyama startles him by suddenly bucking his hips. It was probably harder than he intended, and it hurts a little, but when he grabs him tightly by the waist and does it again, it feels like an electrical current shoots through Hinata’s nerves.

He arches his back, trying his best to meet Kageyama’s thrusts, but his entire body is trembling so much it feels like he’s about to come apart. This is the exact same feeling as earlier, except so much more intense and so much more amazing. He’s out of breath, his thighs are aching, and he’s a loud mess, but it feels so good and he’s so close. Beads of sweat form on his forehead and upper lip and he reaches down to touch himself, even though he’s so sensitive he hardly needs to.

“Hey, this kind of expression…” Kageyama says suddenly, his voice so low and fierce it sends shivers down Hinata’s spine. He reaches up and cups his face in his hands. “This belongs to me. Don’t show it to anybody else.”

That does it for Hinata. With a loud moan he comes all over his own hand and Kageyama’s stomach, and he swears he blacks out for at least a couple of seconds. Kageyama clutches his hips, his thrusts falling into a stuttering, erratic rhythm, and before Hinata can even think of recovering he follows with a groan, fingers digging into his skin.

Hinata wraps his arms around Kageyama’s neck and practically collapses against him, gasping against his racing heart, his skin fiery hot and sweaty. A breathless moment passes before Kageyama shifts and slowly pulls out of him, leaving Hinata with a spent, empty feeling. He fumbles a little and blindly ties up the condom before he unceremoniously drops it on the floor.

“Gross,” Hinata remarks and they both laugh at that.

“But it felt good, didn’t it?” Kageyama says, nuzzling Hinata’s temple.

Hinata nods and tilts his head up to kiss him. “Let’s do it again some time.”

He snuggles against him, settling into Kageyama’s warm embrace, and sighs contently. In the back of his head those strong emotions he’s been hiding slowly resurface, reminding him of their existence. He could let them out now, it’s a great moment for confessions, but his heart skips as though objecting to it. Maybe he’s not ready after all. There’s also a chance it’ll just put Kageyama off. And isn’t it a bit lame and cheesy to tell somebody you love them right after you both just had sex? It probably is. Hinata decides again to keep that part of his mind sealed for now.

“I don’t wanna go home,” he says instead. “I should have picked a college or university in Osaka, or I could have just gotten a job here, or… anything. I hate that I have to go back.”

“Yeah… But we didn’t know things would turn out this way. It would’ve been difficult to plan and coordinate anyway.” Kageyama hesitates. “But I totally agree. I wish you could stay here.”

Determined, Hinata pushes himself up so he can look Kageyama in the eyes.

“I’ll catch up with you soon, I promise,” he says intently, every word honest and real. “I’ll work hard and become a professional volleyball player and I’ll make it on the national team some day, too. I’ll definitely beat you.”

The heartfelt promise seems to catch Kageyama slightly off guard. He remains quiet, obviously amazed by the moment, but then he ends up laughing.

“How will you beat me if we’re on the same team, dumbass?”

“ _Especially_ if we’re on the same team.”

“Okay, deal.” Kageyama grins. “I’ll wait for you, then.”

 

**

 

The pink cloud Hinata left Osaka on quickly turns into a heavy raincloud. The following autumn months remind him too much of what he went through in high school, when Kageyama was still just his neighbor and Hinata was still just a kid pining after him. And if he thought Kageyama was busy back then it’s nothing compared to now _._ He’s finally become a starter on the national team roster as well and doesn’t have much of an off-season to talk about anymore. Major international tournaments are only held once every second or fourth year but because they’re spread evenly throughout the calendar, there’s always a match to prepare for. His rookie-status also requires him to build experience and team relations and he is strongly encouraged to participate in various training camps, domestic as well as abroad. Then there’s club practice and premier league matches, not to mention basic training and workout routines. Kageyama, who is the most dedicated person Hinata knows apart from himself, always says yes to just about anything volleyball-related. To hope that he somehow wouldn’t be as busy anymore was wishful and seriously faulty thinking on Hinata’s part.

Conflicting schedules aside, their situation is nothing extraordinary. In order to survive this it’s nothing but a matter of mind and heart coming together in some sort of agreement. It’s fully possible to put longing in its place by adjusting and getting used to the current circumstances. That’s really all there is to it. Plenty of people in long distance relationships have managed to overcome these obstacles in the past – but it’s always easier said than done.

It feels like Kageyama is slipping further and further away and the fact that he’s so busy could be the final nail in the coffin for their relationship. Hinata doesn’t want Kageyama to forget about him before he even realizes that he’s fallen out of love with him. Hinata wishes he could speed up time so he could move forward faster. In a different universe he’s certain they’re doing all of this together, but in the present world he simply can’t force the stars to align. He hasn’t even gone back to deal with his serious feelings for Kageyama, the ones he tucked away in the back of his mind several months ago. What will he discover if he revisits them now? Twisted, unrecognizable monsters, no doubt.

 

**

 

At the start of December the air takes on a dry chill and the overall temperature drops, despite the brilliantly sunny skies. Winter break is right around the corner, kicked off by what’s supposedly the most wonderful time of the year: Christmas. Hinata usually loves this season but now it doesn’t matter how many times he wanders the illuminated streets of Tokyo or how often he catches the twinkle of the Skytree in the distance; his holiday spirit remains absent. He’s only reminded of last year’s Christmas and how lovely it had been when Kageyama decided not to go home to Osaka. It had been the first holiday they’d spent together as a couple.

The only time they get to wish each other Merry Christmas is during Kageyama’s birthday chat. It’s also during this chat that Hinata is asked if he wants to visit again after New Year’s, which is a suggestion he happily accepts on the spot. He had hoped to count the number of Osaka trips on more than one hand by now, but he hasn’t asked simply out of fear for bothering a very busy Kageyama. It doesn’t matter anymore, though. As always, he sets his expectations high, hypes himself up, and cherishes the fact that he’s still hopelessly in love with him, despite everything. That must mean something for sure. Besides, it doesn’t suit Hinata’s personality to bury himself under a pile of negative thoughts; it won’t get him anywhere. Just like a time-out can turn around a negative streak during a match, this might be all that’s needed to break through his gloominess and shift the momentum.

Once he gets there however, it turns out that this visit is much different from the last. It’s not just because Kageyama doesn’t have as many days off this time, but also because Hinata realizes his struggle cuts deeper than he thought. It’s not just the issue with dating long distance or having to deal with all this yearning. There’s more to it than that and it all dawns on him when he goes to watch the club’s practices, which are open to the public.

Seeing him play together with other professionals triggers something in Hinata. Kageyama is actually amazing, and not only because he’s exceptionally talented. At twenty-four he’s the starter setter for two teams and has already entered the best years of his volleyball career. He’ll just keep climbing, probably all the way to the Olympics, and ultimately he’ll have reached the peak of his pro athlete life. Where will Hinata be by the time that happens? When he turns twenty-five Kageyama will be pushing thirty. That’s retirement age in the sports world. He’s unstoppable and so far ahead that Hinata is starting to lose sight of him; it seems impossible to catch up. An ugly mix of panic, envy, and frustration settles like a rock in his gut. This puts things in a perspective he doesn’t really want to be faced with. Maybe he’s doomed to always lag behind, constantly comparing his own career to Kageyama’s achievements, achievements that will continue to accumulate by the bucketload – and what’s the point in all that? Is he just going to try and follow in Kageyama’s footsteps for the rest of his life?

He squirms in his uncomfortable seat. He feels inferior and out of place sitting in this impeccable venue, almost alone in an empty blue sea of plastic. Out on the court, Kageyama and his teammates gather around to finish up practice and they already look like close friends, like a tight team. Hinata can’t help but think that there’s no room for him in this picture at all. There’s no way he’s capable of bringing out the best in Kageyama the way they do.

“Kageyama-san! Over here, please!”

Hinata turns his head in direction of the excited voices. A small group of girls has gathered at the front row barrier, waving Kageyama over. They offer him a teddy bear wearing Kageyama’s #4 jersey, as well as a neatly wrapped present, before asking him to sign his picture in various sports magazines. It’s obviously a bit of an ambush and the attention makes him visibly flustered and embarrassed. He blushes wildly, avoiding all kinds of eye contact, and awkwardly bows several times as the girls take their leave. It doesn’t take long before a couple of his teammates make their way over, laughing. One of them nudges Kageyama in the side and smirks.

“Man, it’s so discouraging having pretty boys on the team,” he teases lightheartedly. “No fair that the rookie gets all the fans. Setters shouldn’t even stand out, you know.”

“Cheering for us at games is one thing, but I can’t recall our open practices ever drawing this much attention,” the other one says, exaggerating a sigh. “I don’t know whether to be thankful or annoyed.”

Hinata quietly listens to their conversation. Why does all of this hurt so much? Is he jealous because of Kageyama’s new teammates? Because of his fans? Or does he envy him simply because he’s better than him and probably always will be? These contradictory emotions are entirely dark and rotten and he doesn’t want them, but he can sense them taking root in him anyway, rapidly branching out through his body. That’s his _boyfriend_ out there. He’s supposed to love and support him. He should be in awe of his accomplishments; he should feel proud on his partner’s behalf. It’s simple enough so why is he failing at it? What the hell is his problem? Hinata doesn’t even know and he feels so discouraged and stressed out.

Kageyama finally says goodbye to his teammates and jogs up the stairs to where Hinata is sitting. He takes a seat next to him and places the teddy bear in Hinata’s lap.

“I don’t think I can ever get used to receiving gifts from fans. I don’t think I can ever get used to having _fans,_ ” he corrects himself, as an afterthought. “I even get letters sometimes. It’s weird, like, I’m not an idol.”

He gives the present a couple of investigative squeezes, frowning curiously. The wrapping is decorated with tiny pink hearts and secured with curly ribbons, and the paper crinkles invitingly between his slender fingers. The small card attached to it portrays a cute illustration of a golden trophy that says ‘You’re My No.1!’ in inked English.

“These are probably knee pads…? Feels like it. People have somehow figured out I prefer this certain brand so I’ve gotten a bunch of them already. That’s good, I guess, I wear these out pretty quickly.” He glances over at Hinata, who is turning the stuffed toy thoughtfully over in his hands. “Ready to go home? We can pick up pizza on the way.”

 

**

 

Hinata tries to engage in a proper conversation but no matter what comes up it’s hard to get into. The warm takeout box sits loosely in his hands while his brain goes into overdrive, his thoughts churning so fast it almost makes him sick, and he’s drifting in and out of what Kageyama is saying. It’s highly unusual that Hinata isn’t in charge of the talking and he’s also the type who wears his emotions on the outside. He’s really bad at hiding how he feels and of course Kageyama is far too perceptive not to notice this.

“You okay?” he asks once they’ve made it back to the apartment. “You’ve been really quiet for a while. If you wanted a different topping or whatever you could’ve just said so.”

The comment is casual and innocent but the wariness in Kageyama’s voice is obvious; he knows very well that it’s not about the stupid pizza. Hinata walks past him and leaves the box on the kitchen counter. It smells amazing but he’s not hungry at all, which is definitely a certain sign something’s wrong.

“Do you think we’ll ever stand on the same court together?”

A few seconds of silence is the only reply Hinata gets. He turns around to face Kageyama, who looks utterly confused by his unexpected question.

“What…? Where did that come from all of a sudden?”

Hinata sighs. “I don’t know.” He shrugs a little helplessly. “I just feel bad that I can’t seem to keep up with you.”

“Whoa, wait – what’s this about keeping up with me?” Kageyama asks cautiously, frowning as he takes a step closer. “You’re supposed to be doing your own thing, at your own pace.”

“Well, I mean – I wish I could keep up because I’m nowhere near close enough.”

“Close enough to _what_?”

“To _you_ , you idiot!”

Kageyama stares at him, stunned, completely rooted to the floor. Hinata hadn’t meant to raise his voice but something has flicked a switch within him. He doesn’t feel like himself at the moment so he knows he should probably shut up, but at the same time he can’t help but keep going. Those gloomy festering feelings in his chest are proving to be incredibly insistent and infectious, drowning out anything reminiscent of reason and rationality.

“I’m not close enough to you in experience or in skills or even in importance,” he continues. “Like, whenever something amazing is about to happen in your career you never ask me for advice or anything. You just let me know when you’ve already decided. You always take that decision without me. It’s no wonder I get discouraged.”

“So… you think I don’t consider you or include you whenever I make decisions?”

“I _know_ you don’t.”

“Okay…?” Kageyama narrows his eyes, a hint of irritable sharpness hiding behind his uncertain expression. “Look – I know I’ve made egotistical career decisions, and I’ve felt really bad about it sometimes, but I’m actually able to do that because I have faith in you, Shouyou. You get that, right? I 100% believe you when you say you’re going pro. I don’t doubt your talent or your hard work; I wouldn’t be harping on about your technique if I did. I’m sure you’ll make it to the same court as me because you keep saying it, and I have no reason to not believe you. But that doesn’t mean you have to keep up with _me_. That’s not the way to go about it. You’ll get there when you get there.”

“That’s easy for you to say!” Hinata argues, so frustrated he isn’t even properly listening to him. “One year of basic improvement for me means one year of you pulling ahead even more. But sure, it’s fine for you to talk to me like that because you have no idea, do you? You’re physically perfect and you’ve always been attending the best schools for volleyball. You even said people used to call you a prodigy! Me, I’m nothing like that. I have to take the long way and you have no idea how that feels.”

“You think just because I’m tall and went to good schools I somehow reached my goals through a short-cut…?” Kageyama tilts his head, his blue eyes darkening slightly. “Because _wow,_ do I have some breaking news for you if that’s the case.”

“Oh, come on.” Hinata snorts dismissively and a part of him can’t believe he actually has the audacity to do it. “They picked you for the national team before you even graduated. Several clubs wanted you and you didn’t even have to ask. I’m sure the scouts have had data on you since middle school and now you get to pick from the top shelf. You didn’t even have to settle for a club in Tokyo because they’ve been coming in from all over the country to watch you play.”

The room falls silent in a dense, almost suffocating, way, and Hinata’s words are still suspended in the air like an unpleasant afterimage. Now that he’s stopped talking he absently becomes aware of how heavily he’s breathing and how there’s a sudden urge in him to leave. That urge alone makes him uncomfortable because he’s never felt this way in Kageyama’s presence. It’s always been the complete opposite. He’s not supposed to feel this way but he is, and realizing that just fuels his anger.

“Fine,” Kageyama says, very softly but still very clearly, and somehow that’s much worse than getting yelled at. “Since you seem to think I never had to work hard at anything and that me standing here just magically happened – _fine._ Sure, I got lots of offers. You’re right. In fact, I got offers from other clubs much better and more lucrative than the one here in Osaka.”

“Oh, really?” Hinata says bitterly. “So why didn’t you join them?”

“Because they were in _Europe_ ,” Kageyama retorts, a flash of anger dancing across his face so visibly that Hinata recoils a little. “I’d be away for a hell of a long time if I signed with them and I… I didn’t want that for me and I didn’t want that for us, not so soon. So alright – I selfishly picked Osaka over Tokyo. I _know._ Fucking sue me. But let me tell you one thing; at least I’m still in Japan. So don’t think I never consider you when I make decisions.”

A small voice in the back of Hinata’s head is trying to say that he’s reached a point where he should stop talking. This is where he should accept that he’s wrong, listen to what Kageyama is telling him, and make up with him already. But the voice is too weak and the resentment and disappointment burning in his chest too strong.

“Maybe you just deserve better than me, then?” he says, and once he’s said it he feels defeated more than anything. “Maybe you deserve someone who won’t stand in your way, so you’re free to choose whatever you want.”

Kageyama stares at him in disbelief, his lips tightening as though he’s in physical pain, and the hurt in his eyes is crystal clear. It could just as well have been written across his forehead. In that moment he looks truly heartbroken and it’s all thanks to Hinata. Deep inside he knows this isn’t where he wanted things to go at all.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it damn well,” Kageyama finally says, his voice breaking slightly. “Please don’t twist my words.”

Hinata draws a breath, preparing to reply, but Kageyama’s ‘please’ and the agonized look on his face have effectively shut down any and all comebacks. He has no idea what to do or say now. All he knows is that he’s choked up, scared, and fuming, and it’s not a very great combination. The urge to run away comes back, settling in his legs like an itch, so in the end he wordlessly grabs his jacket and strides out of the living room. The moment he opens the door he hopes halfheartedly that Kageyama will stop him and hold him back, but he doesn’t. He lets him go, something that just intensifies what’s left of Hinata’s anger enough for him to walk out. He slams the door and leaves the apartment complex as fast as he can, his footsteps echoing against the concrete.

 

**

 

The sun has already set, bleeding its last glowing remains heavily into the horizon, pulling long distorted shadows from the surrounding buildings. It’s colder now that the afternoon has faded into evening. Hinata’s breath is frosty, unfurling in small transparent waves from his lips, and he zips his jacket all the way up to cover his mouth and nose.

Without knowing what to do or where to go he ends up trailing towards the nearest bus stop, where a bus just happens to sidle up to the curb. As if in a daze he hops on it, not even paying any attention to where it’s headed. It’s almost empty save for a teenage couple seated all the way at the back. They both look perfectly immersed in each other and Hinata rolls his eyes, picking a seat as far away from them as possible. He stares at his own fuzzy reflection in the worn window, quietly watching as it leaves a double-image on top of the city outside. He barely even registers the people and the shops and the signs trailing by, their contours faintly blurred out by the shifting streetlights.

He remains on the bus for about ten minutes before he decides to get off. Being in an unfamiliar city he has no idea where he actually is, but he’s too lost in his own thoughts to care. He continues down the street with his hands in his pocket, weaving his way past people as though on autopilot, and eventually the pavement under his feet slowly transitions into a rougher pathway.

Ironically, it seems that Hinata’s biggest rival is volleyball. Kageyama probably can’t even begin to imagine how it is to work twice as hard as everyone else on something, not in the way Hinata can. Things have always been slightly out of reach for him, both literally and figuratively, and it’s a letdown every time he realizes he might have had it easier had he just been five or ten centimeters taller. It’s not something he can miraculously fix overnight and willpower alone won’t get him everywhere he wants to go, not in this world. Hinata scowls at the ground. Kageyama is an idiot. He couldn’t possibly understand.

He takes a deep breath to calm his thoughts and feelings, closing his eyes against the cold night air stinging in his throat. Kageyama is the type of athlete who prides himself in his skill; anyone can tell. His volleyball foundation is strong exactly because it’s built on so much pride. He’s definitely a proud person… but he’s very sensitive, too. Maybe a lot more than he lets on. That’s not something everybody knows. Hinata is one of the few who does. Thinking about this way, a sharp stab of guilt hits him square in the chest, followed by a growing suspicion that he isn’t actually all that angry anymore. All that’s left is really just a knot of seriously bad conscience.

What Hinata said earlier must have wounded Kageyama’s pride for sure, but it probably cuts a lot deeper than that. It’s bad enough when you hurt your own pride; it’s worse when other people do it for you. That Kageyama doesn’t care, that he’s had it easy, and that he never had to work hard is probably the worst thing anybody could have said – not only about his volleyball career but also about him as a person. The fact that those words came directly from _Hinata_ is just an extra dose of salt in the wound. Kageyama is one of the most considerate, hardworking, selfless, and dedicated people Hinata knows, and right now he can’t believe he acted like such a jerk to him. He allowed his own doubts to escalate, he took it out on Kageyama, and it ended badly. Hinata doubts he’s even capable of describing his regret.

An owl hoots lazily somewhere close by, startling him. He abruptly stops walking and, looking around, he realizes he has not the faintest clue where he is. At one point he must have swerved off the main road, wandered through the zigzagging streets, and ultimately ended up on this smaller pathway without realizing. Save for the lampposts along the path it’s dark all around him and not a single person in immediate sight. He assumes he’s in a park somewhere, judging from his surroundings, but he can’t really tell north from south. Hinata rubs his palms together and shivers; it’s much colder now than it was earlier, probably close to zero at this late hour, if not lower.

There’s an elaborate cluster of well-formed green bushes up ahead, as well as a couple of frost-covered benches, so he walks over there. He checks his phone and feels another pang of guilt when he realizes it’s been on silent and that he has six missed calls from Kageyama. To make matters worse he also has only 5% battery left. As Hinata sees it his options are either to quickly use the GPS for a few seconds or call Kageyama – and the latter is what he ends up doing.

He picks up after the very first ring. “ _Shouyou??_ ”

“Yeah… Hey.”

“ _I was just about to go look for you!_ _Where the hell are you?_ ”

He doesn’t sound angry, just worried, and Hinata can tell from his voice alone that he’s been pacing the floor. His bad conscience coils up into an even tighter knot; he would have preferred it if he was yelling at him.

“Um… I’m not sure actually, I’m kinda lost… I’m in a park, though, that much I know.” Hinata looks around, trying to spot some distinct feature that might make sense to Kageyama. “There are a lot of fancy trees and bushes and, oh, I think I see a sign to a zoo right over there –”

“ _A zoo? O_ _kay, I think I know. Just stay put and I’ll–_ ”

Kageyama’s voice abruptly cuts off.

“Hello? Tobio?”

Hinata looks at the screen, which has gone mercilessly black. That wasn’t exactly unexpected. He sighs and sinks down on the closest bench. Kageyama did tell him to stay put so he might as well just do what he says. He remains kicking at the ground for the next fifteen minutes, wondering what he’s supposed to say when he gets there. He’s torn between a simple ‘hey’ or kneeling on the ground and begging for forgiveness, but a familiar voice calls his name before he reaches a decision.

Hinata looks up and sees Kageyama running towards him, frosty air streaming out of his mouth in short puffs, and he’s barely gotten to his feet before he finds himself caught in his arms. Kageyama doesn’t even slow down, he comes into the hug full on running, the velocity almost dragging them both down. Hinata can even feel the impact knocking the air slightly out of him but he couldn’t care less. He wraps his arms around his waist, immense relief building behind all his guilt.

“Thank god,” Kageyama mutters, short of breath. “Your phone went dead all of a sudden and I got really anxious.”

“I didn’t have any battery left.”

Kageyama moves to let go but Hinata refuses completely and just tightens his grip on him. He buries his face in the softness of his downy jacket and breathes in deeply, all his senses focused on how solid and warm and real Kageyama feels against him.

“Shouyou…? Are you okay?”

“I didn’t mean those things I said,” Hinata says, his voice muffled. “I’m sorry. I take all of it back, every single word. I’m seriously the worst and you really do deserve better than me, but I hope you’ll consider not leaving me. I’m sorry, Tobio, I’m so sorry –”

“Hey, listen.” Kageyama shifts slightly so he can reach down and cup his face in his hands, leaving Hinata with no choice but to maintain eye contact. “It’s _okay_. I know you didn’t mean it. You’re not the worst. I already have the best and I’m absolutely _not_ going to leave you. That didn’t even cross my mind. So don’t worry about it, you hear? We simply discovered that dating long distance is challenging, that’s all. Nothing we can’t handle.”

“It would be nice if you could forgive me anyway,” Hinata says in a small voice. “Please.”

Kageyama sighs heavily in mock exasperation. “Ah, man, you’re such a dumbass.” He laughs a little and pulls him into another hug. “I found someone who loves volleyball just as much as I do, and who wants to play for a living, and to top it all off he’s also really fucking cute. I’m the luckiest guy in the world. There’s nothing to forgive but if it makes you feel better then of course I do. I forgive you, stupid.”

Hinata exhales shakily and squeezes his eyes shut, trying to hold back his tears as he melts into Kageyama’s embrace. “I’m really sorry, Tobio,” he says again. “I swear I didn’t mean it.”

“Enough already.” Kageyama gently brushes his fingers through Hinata’s hair before he tilts his chin up and leans down to kiss him. “I love you,” he says softly as he pulls away. “In case you didn’t know.”

A snowstorm could be raging around them in several degrees below zero and Hinata is certain he wouldn’t have noticed a thing. In that moment, all he knows is Kageyama. He blinks up at him, wide-eyed, before realizing he’s blinking against tears.

“What the hell.” He sighs a tiny astonished laugh, feeling a little numb. “That was supposed to be my line.”

“Then say it.”

Hinata can’t find those strong ginormous emotions in the back of his mind anymore. He realizes they’ve escaped and settled snugly right in the center of his heart, where it looks like they belong. There’s nothing dark or scary or overwhelming about these feelings; they’re simply just pure and genuine. He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand and smiles at Kageyama’s blushing face.

“I love you,” he whispers, standing on his tiptoes so he can kiss him again.

 

**

 

Hinata takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, absorbing his surroundings through his other senses – the deafening roar of the crowd, the bright lights overhead, the sour smell of sweat, and the shivering buzz of nerves. His entire body is aching, his jersey is soaking wet, and his lungs are screaming for air, but he’s nowhere near finished yet. His hands are ready to aim, his legs are ready to jump, his mind is ready to focus, and his heart is ready for another victory. He’ll take on any ball, from anywhere, and he’ll make it count.

“Just keep pushing, alright?” the coach shouts, and Hinata opens his eyes again. “I know you guys are exhausted but _they_ are on the brink of collapsing. It’s just a matter of holding out longer than them and maintaining our lead. Keep the ball in the air and stay connected – got it?”

The team answers with a collective shout, fists clenched as they prepare to throw themselves back into battle. It’s the last set and the glaring numbers on the scoreboard indicates a two-point lead in their favor. Pure exhilaration rushes through Hinata’s body. The setting around this match is so different from what he’s normally used to. This isn’t some local high school gymnasium. This isn’t even a national arena. This stage is international. The eyes of the world are on them right now. He’s worked hard for this, surely and steadily over the years, just like he promised. This is exactly where he wants to be.

“Oi, quit spacing out.” Kageyama walks up to him, frowning. “You tired or something?”

“Not even close,” Hinata replies confidently, beaming. “What about you, Tobio? Feeling the weight of those twenty-eight years on your shoulders yet?”

Kageyama scowls at him for a split-second before his face breaks into a wide grin. Hinata catches a spark of something honest and loving in his eyes, and it feels like every corner and cavity of his chest is filled with swarming butterflies.

“Shut your mouth, rookie.”

He runs back out on the court and Hinata sets off chasing after him, his eyes locked on the shining #4 on his back. He’s willing to follow that back anywhere. Kageyama may be slightly ahead of him but from now on he’s always going to be right there, just within reach.

**Author's Note:**

> *writes flowery passages about how beautiful and handsome Kageyama is*  
> *thinks about my current ao3 profile picture*  
> *laughs for a long time*  
> Get you a man who can do both.
> 
> WOW, the end! I think that was a pretty okay and natural place to end this story, jumping a few years into the future. Pro athletes KageHina forever. I really hope you enjoyed reading that as much I had fun writing it, and please consider sticking around! I have a few more KageHina ideas that I’m toying with, some for my future!verse and some for completely different AUs, and I’m having fun writing at the moment so hopefully I can start working on these soon. I’ve also been re-reading Haikyuu now that I’m fully caught up with the manga (MY KAGEHINA HEART), so I do feel a bit inspired. Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> Feel free to come and talk to me on twitter @[tsun_derei](https://twitter.com/tsun_derei)!


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